'I was bad influence on the group' Yamamoto Sayaka looks back on her time in NMB48, the fear she fought alone and blooming at 26

Original article: 「グループにとって悪影響だった」――山本彩が振り返るNMB48、一人で立ち向かった「恐怖」と「26歳の開花」

Yamamoto Sayaka (26) graduated from NMB48 in November of 2018 and is now walking the path of a singer/song-writer. While she says she wasn't always optimistic in her idol days, she admits that it was the best school of entertainment. Now that she's switched to a solo career after feeling her presence was bad influence on NMB48, she's trying to face music with honesty as she's fighting with the label of a 'former idol.' What is Yamamoto's secret of not giving up on dreams?

If you only do things you want to do, you won't grow

'It's not like I was very optimistic at the time.'

That's how Yamamoto Sayaka reminisces her days in NMB48, where she worked for nearly 8 years since the formation of the group until her graduation in November of 2018. Idol activities which included handshake events and gravure photo shoots were certainly an essential experience for Yamamoto.

'I think if you only do the things you want to do, you won't grow. Even if you're reluctant at first, having people around you praise your work helps you find 'weapons' you hadn't noticed you possessed before.'

All 3 singles she's released since going solo have entered the top 10 of music charts, and her nationwide tour was a great success... Yamamoto is achieving exceptional things as a rookie artist. The free live she held on November 24 in Osaka's Minami no America-mura, location of which she hadn't revealed until the very last moment, brought together 3000 of her fans and became a hot topic in social and public media. Such Yamamoto looks back at her idol era with a smile.

'It taught me the excitement of facing anxiety; that painful experiences can later become your assets; the fun that surprises and unexpected events bring. And also, the rivalry that working earnestly with your peers births... When it comes to entertainment, it was the best school.'

Despite making a CD debut in year 2 of junior high school, her band disbanded in less than 2 years

Thanks to her music-loving mother, Yamamoto has been surrounded by music since infancy. In year 5 of elementary school, influenced by her brother, she grabbed the guitar and eventually started dreaming of becoming a singer/song-writer. In year 6 of elementary school, she started a 3-person band with girls she went to music school with. In year 2 of junior high school, they debuted with a CD under a major label.

But that's as far as things went swiftly for them. Not having been able to deliver the expected results, their contract ended in less than 2 years. Even though they later managed to debut again as an indies group, the band, beat to exhaustion by the world of professionals, faced its end. In winter when she was in year 1 of high school, at the age of 16, Yamamoto closed the path to her dream.

'I wholly realized that it was a failure. Right after we disbanded, I felt completely empty. Then, until I found the dream of becoming a teacher, I was losing sight of both myself and my future.'

As the memory of a past dream was smoldering in her heart, she engrossed herself in her studies. Until one day her mother recommended her to go to an audition. Having decided it was her last attempt, Yamamoto went to the audition and once again grabbed a ticket to her future. In October of 2010 she started activities as a member of idol group NMB48.

'It was a mindset of 'go for broke.' Having experienced my previous failure allowed me to take bold actions. When I think of it this way, the said failure seems like a good experience in itself. If I hadn't joined NMB48 and just parted ways with music, the memories of my band would just have been something I'd want to forget.'

On NMB48's website, in the 'future dream' column, Yamamoto put 'Being able to keep on singing.'

My continued presence in the group was a bad influence

With the leadership skills she cultivated in her band, the dance skills she acquired in the music school, and her singing abilities as her weapons, Yamamoto had shown her 'difference' from the very debut. Among others, the sight of Yamamoto carrying a big guitar to perform her first solo song 'Jungle Gym' in 2012 became one of 48G's icons.

One day, Yamamoto saw producer Akimoto Yasushi's social media post, which said 'You want to hear a song written and composed by Yamamoto Sayaka, don't you?' She immediately composed a song and passed it on to Akimoto herself.

'Usually I'm the careful type that calculates all possible risks before doing something, but when it comes to music, I can take bold actions.'

Those 'bold actions' bore their fruit in October 2016, when Yamamoto made her solo debut with the album Rainbow. The following year she released her second album, identity. Yamamoto, who kept on steadily realizing her dreams while still in the group, started having recurring thoughts in her mind.

'Around 2016-2017 I started feeling that my continued being in the group had negative influence on them.'

Around that time, NMB48 started asking the question 'How long will you keep depending on Yamamoto Sayaka?' The idea was that Yamamoto's popularity alone was unable to bring the group higher. They had depended too much on Yamamoto being in the group. This brought to her graduation in 2018.

'Seeing the other members clearly state their readiness to lead the group through concerts and media made me think the last contribution I could give to them was my graduation, and it helped me decide to disappear at peace.'

'Can I make a living?' The weight of being alone

At the beginning of 2019, after a 3-month hiatus, Yamamoto returned on stage as a singer/song-writer. In February, she went on a nationwide tour I'm ready which revolved around livehouses with capacity of few hundred. Compared to the halls she had performed at when she was an idol, these were shockingly small-scale stages. However, she had a certain goal in choosing those places to perform.

'Back in my band days, we weren't able to fill livehouses at all. I thought, since I'm starting anew, I should meet the goals I wasn't able to fulfill back then. I felt relieved when I saw that the audience was full.'

All the while, Yamamoto started feeling a kind of weight she hadn't experienced as an idol in her group.

'What kind of music should I put out to have as many people as possible listen to it? Business-wise, will I be able to make a living? I also felt more pressure over the capacity of venues, numbers of sales and streams, than before... All kinds of things scared me.'

Among the things that troubled Yamamoto was being seen as a former idol.

'Will the people who supported me as an idol continue supporting me now? What worth do I have now that I'm not an idol anymore? I thought about many things like that. Being perceived as frivolous in my job because I'm ex-NMB48 was particularly painful for me. Especially since I owe it to NMB48 that I'm now able to do what I'm doing. I think I'll be struggling with these feelings for a longer while.'

Even when there  were differences in what she had imagined, she couldn't give up, that's what music was to her

In December this year, as a culmination of her first year of work after graduation, Yamamoto released her third album, α. On this album, which title bears the meanings of 'first' and 'unknown', all songs are written and composed by Yamamoto. Moreover, it features wonderful and varied producers, such as Kameda Seiji, who's known for being responsible for Shiina Ringo's arrangement and Spitz' production, as well as Kobayashi Takeshi, famous for producing Mr.Children.

'I still have little knowledge and experience as a singer/song-writer, so I think what makes me grow the most now is challenging different genres of music to broaden and heighten my individualism.'

You can clearly hear this 'individualism' Yamamoto speaks of in her album.

'I've realized that in each of the songs, in a good way, you can hear me. When it comes to music, I'm an indecisive person who wants to try everything (bitter laughter). To be positive, one could call it flexibility. Maybe my individuality, as of now, are those songs that some from that flexibility.'

Yamamoto has been finally able to make her dream, that she had given up on after experiencing failure in her tender age, come true through NMB48 at the age of 26.

'Even after all this time, I don't wonder why it took me so long. Rather, I like to think that I just waited patiently for the right opportunity,' Yamamoto says with a smile. Her example of earnestly clearing a path for her dream should give courage to her peers who are trying to build a career again.

'When I was about to give up on my dream, I auditioned for NMB48. Truthfully, there was a discrepancy between being an idol and what I was aspiring to become, so I wasn't fully into the idea at first. Nevertheless, it's because I had something I couldn't give up on that I now have what I have. If you have something you want to achieve, it's fine to take your time, don't give up. Because as long as you don't give up, you'll eventually find a way.'